Published Oct 09, 2001

When I moved to a brand new city, it took me a while to find the local BDSM community. I joined a few mailing lists, went to lots of munches, and attended a number of play parties. After I had been in the city for a while, however, I decided to try the tactic that invariably works best for me: I threw my own play party at my apartment. Hosting your own play party is a great way to get to know kinky people, as well as provide precious playtime for those you already know. While you don't need to be a master of BDSM technique to host a good party, you should learn the basics of safety, etiquette, and creating a comfortable space.

First, you should make sure you're up for hosting a play party. Are you willing to take the risks a play party entails, including possible injury happening on your property? Ideally, we could all afford liability insurance to protect ourselves from lawsuits stemming from such injuries, but in reality, we usually end up relying on the attendees of our party to behave themselves and use common sense.

The most important factor in determining the success of your party will be the guests themselves. Choose your invite list carefully. It helps to have an idea of the demographic you're looking for--do you want to throw an introductory party for a bunch of newbies? Have a mix of newbies and experienced players? Or do you want only hardcore, very experienced BDSM players? It's your choice--whatever you will be most comfortable with. My parties tend to mix both advanced and newbie players. It's always a good idea to invite at least one or two experienced players, however, since they can help tremendously if someone has a question about etiquette or technique.

You should also decide whether or not you need a Dungeon Master. The Dungeon Master (or whatever term you prefer) is sort of a referee for the play going on. He or she keeps an eye on the scenes and makes sure everything is going OK--making sure tops honor their bottom's safe word, making sure no one is in danger during a suspension scene, etc. Whoever you appoint as Dungeon Master generally does not join in the play during their shift. I've played in parties with and without a Dungeon Master--generally, the larger the party and the more newbies playing, the more essential a Dungeon Master is. If you do use one, make sure your other guests understand the Dungeon Master's role as final arbiter and safety warden--not policeman or spoilsport.

Another set of decisions you need to make concerns safety and safe sex. It's up to you to set the rules of the party--and you can make the rule list as long or short as you like. At my parties, I only post very basic rules--like "don't interrupt a scene," "don't touch someone without their permission," and "cover my sex toys with condoms before you use them." However, at other parties, especially public clubs, the list of rules is much more extensive. Many places prohibit fire play, water sports, brown showers, and/or blood play; sometimes you just have to check with the Dungeon Master before doing these kinds of scenes. Some parties prohibit nudity and/or actual sex. If sex is permitted, sometimes the rules require safe sex practices (latex covering any implement or body part used for penetration or mouth contact) even if partners are in a fluid-bonded relationship. It's up to you to determine what you're comfortable with and how complicated you want to make the rules. Sometimes play party hosts require guests to sign an agreement stating they have read and understand the rules, and that they will not sue for any injuries incurred during the party.

Once you have made these important safety decisions, you can begin preparing your play space. Don't worry if it's small or lacking in fancy equipment--most players can make do with very basic space, and many bring toy bags full of fun equipment. The first consideration is to make your space as clean as possible. Then consider where you will place chairs, cushions, or other places for folks to sit, as well as any BDSM equipment like slings, hanging bars, or simple eyebolts. Try to space out your equipment to give multiple players as much room as possible. Make sure trash receptacles are easy to find. I usually provide dishes of condoms, bottles of lube, latex gloves, and isopropyl alcohol to encourage safe sex practices. I also encourage players to bring juice and snacks--a BDSM scene can totally drain both top and bottom, and a light snack can help them recover. Whether to have alcohol or not is a personal choice--most play parties are non-alcoholic, but some do provide beer or wine (not usually hard alcohol). If you do allow alcohol at your party, be extra watchful to make sure no one is performing a scene drunk.

Finally, pay some attention to the lighting and decoration. Ideally, lights should be somewhat dim in most places but allow for full lighting on a submissive during a scene if desired. You can achieve this inexpensively with $10 clamp-on aluminum lamps used for industrial purposes--check out your neighborhood hardware store. Decorate your play space according to your taste, whether it's wrought-iron candelabra or glossy fetish photos. Find some non-intrusive music for the background of your party--many people find bands like Delirium and Enigma work well with play scenes, although you can also use whatever kind of music your crowd enjoys. Now you're ready to throw open your doors to your guests! Enjoy your party.